While I don't know anything about the original story that this was written for, I'll start out by saying that you do an amazing job grounding the reader in this world and with the characters. Many times, when I try to read pieces that are from worlds already established, it's hard for me to grasp everything about them and I'm often lost without the proper knowledge, but you do a great job in making it so that even if a reader didn't know anything about this world, they would understand the way it works, etc. For that, I definitely say good job!

On top of that, your descriptions are beautiful. They're not overly done, but at the same time, not too little. You have the perfect ground between them to make the reader engaged and able to visualize the world without beating them over the head with it.

Another thing that I have to applaud you on is your dialogue. Many times, dialogue can come off as "cheesy" or there because it should be there, but you make it a point to have all the dialogue that is added to have a purpose. Everything said is said with meaning, and I think that's what really drives this story along.

I really don't have any real criticism with this piece at all. I suppose my only suggestion would be to give this a read-over aloud and see if you can catch any unnecessary words that don't need to be in there. I came across a few here and there (nothing extreme, but eliminating some may just help get this to its final, polished form) that could be cleaned up and taken out. It would still keep the meaning of the sentence, but just make it shorter and more tidied.

I think the only real thing that I'm going to be nit-picky about overall is when "foreign language" is used, it needs to be italicized. There was one part towards the end of the chapter where Fenris makes a statement in Latin (I believe) that just needs to be italicized.

Overall, however, like I mentioned before, this was a very well written piece. You've established a believable and compelling world and atmosphere and place the characters into it well. Your style is smooth and keeps the reader interested and engaged. Very well written!