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July 8, 2009
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December 17th, 1722-Barcelona, Spain

The bitter air wafted across the shoreline into the coastal tenancies surrounding the harbor. It was just as any other winter was in Barcelona; the frosty winters contrasting the blistering summers. Nevertheless, ships were still cast off from the harbor no matter the season, so that goods could be exchanged with other coastal towns across the sea. Not only were ships from the Spanish residents dispatched from the anchorage, but other countries would have their voyagers dock within the wharf as a place of rest. However, a departure was going to be taking place from the icy marina upon this evening… a departure that would change a family’s line forever.

The wooden door to a small dwelling creaked open as the heavy sound of boots tramped along the floorboards, over to where a small area for dining was located. Peering around the corner to notice a young woman seated at a table, chin resting in her hands as she released a long and tedious sigh, a young man no later than his mid-thirties grinned slightly, golden brown eyes glistening brilliantly. The woman didn’t once raise her head from her hands, but allowed her cerulean eyes to glide over to the glance that was being given to her by the young man. However, the glimpse that he received caused the man’s once delightful expression to fade, one of his hands running along the side of his face meekly, fingertips brushed by the coarse raven hairs of his stubble.

“You’re late for dinner,” the woman murmured softly from the table, fiddling with a golden ring that was secured around her ring finger. “…again…”

“You know my job can run late, Elizabeth,” the man replied, trying to keep himself composed, “and working extra hours might be useful for paying the rent.”

The woman bit down on her lower lip, not knowing how to reply to that statement. She knew that he was lying to her yet again, but perhaps he was only doing it for the best. Running her fingers through her strands of brunette hair, Elizabeth turned to the young man gradually before shaking her head in incredulity.

“Desiderio,” was all that could slip passed her lips, the man finally allowing his shoulders to slump as he made his way over to the table, standing before her.

“Alright, Elizabeth, I won’t lie to you,” he mumbled as he shielded his eyes with his hand, trying to swallow what he was about to say. “I was at sea again.”

“At sea?” Elizabeth asked with a raised eyebrow, Desiderio nodding his head with a strident sigh.

“Pirating…”

That statement once more stopped Elizabeth from replying; for she had heard enough about the whole pirating issue. She knew that Desiderio truly had been a raider of the sea before they met, but it was when they agreed to be married that he swore never to return to the seas to pilfer valuables from others ever again. It pained Elizabeth to see him having broken his pledge to her. Staring him deeply in the eyes, she rapped her fingers against the tabletop, Desiderio remaining silent as well for a few moments.

“Desi, you promised me you would never again-,” Elizabeth began before Desiderio waved her off with a grunt, not wanting to hear her rant endlessly on this topic.

“I know, Elizabeth… I know,” he whispered, gaze slipping away from the eyes of his wife, “but the sea is my life. I can’t feel complete without it…”

“You mean to tell me that you would choose the sea over me?” Elizabeth asked as her eyes narrowed, Desiderio shaking his head swiftly, not wanting to draw about an argument.

“That’s not what I mean, Elizabeth,” he replied, laying his hand overtop of hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I love you with all my heart, and you know that. But, you must understand… My crew, we have one last trip to make, one final-”

Elizabeth cut him off by pulling her hand away from his forcibly, glaring into his golden eyes before shaking her head back and forth a few times. She was tired of hearing about his “one last trip”. The “final” voyage would turn into three more, which would accumulate to secret  ventures without her knowing. Sometimes, he would vanish for almost a month; however, then Elizabeth was almost certain of where he was.

“You always say that, Desi, but you never mean it. I don’t want you going out there,” Elizabeth retorted, her husband sighing persuasively.

“I swear to you, this will be the final voyage for me. We need to gather one last expedition’s worth of gold and we’ll be set for a while, Elizabeth,” Desiderio whispered to her softly, once more taking her hands into his own. “I want us to have a decent life together, and that can only happen if I take this final trip out to sea.”

“Why don’t you get yourself a real job?” Elizabeth snapped at him, cerulean eyes smoldering in resentment. “At least then I’d know you were safe.”

“Elizabeth, no job is guaranteed to be safe,” Desiderio proclaimed, Elizabeth inhaling deeply with a grunt.

“But they’d be better than piracy.”

“One final trip,” Desiderio whispered against his wife’s ear, planting a kiss upon her cheek, “and no more.”

Elizabeth felt her lower lip begin to quiver as the fingertips of her husband brushed her long strands of brunette hair from her eyes, a few tears beginning to form within the corners of them. Pulling Desiderio in closer to herself, she wrapped her arms firmly around his neck, stroking his hair with a few whimpers.

“I just know something awful is going to happen,” she quavered, Desiderio resting his hands upon her shoulders, pulling her away leisurely as he wiped her tears away with his thumbs.

“Nothing will happen, darling. I swear it to you,” he replied, Elizabeth still not convinced.

“You can’t be certain of that! Winter has come upon us… You could just as easily be murdered, get lost at sea, capsized by the rough waves… even freeze to death! The sea is no warmer than it is here, Desi,” she replied, Desiderio softly clasping a hand over her mouth before she could continue.

“Shh,” he hushed her, “I’ll be fine.”

Releasing his hand from her mouth, Desiderio smiled down upon his wife, Elizabeth trying to once more blink back her tears. She didn’t know what else she could say to her husband to change his mind. After all, he would only continue to argue until the point where he got so enraged with her opinion that he would ultimately leave anyway.  Batting a few stray tears away, Elizabeth ran a hand down the side of Desiderio’s face, lips quivering as they had before.

“I don’t want to lose you, Desi,” she whispered through the lump which had formed within her throat, making it hard for her to swallow, and the more she tried, the more the tears would build up.

“You won’t,” he replied before taking hold of her hand, planting a kiss upon its surface before sighing, “but I truly must depart.”

Pausing for a moment, Elizabeth finally shook her head, attempting to alter his decision once more. “Desi… y-you can’t…”

Desiderio raised an eyebrow to her, Elizabeth running a hand over her stomach slightly before biting down on her lower lip. He hadn’t noticed her motion, tilting his head slightly as she finally heaved a heartrending sigh, knowing that there was nothing else that she could say. She just couldn’t tell him… not yet.

“It’s nothing…”

“Are you sure?” Desiderio asked.

Elizabeth finally nodded her head in accord, feeling her husband move in closer, his face brushing against hers before she was pulled in for a tight kiss. Wrapping her arms around Desiderio’s neck, Elizabeth nuzzled her nose to his, giving him one last glance into his deep golden eyes.

“I wish I had more time,” Desiderio murmured as he pulled away, heading to the doorway where he had hung his coat upon the rack, “but my crew is waiting.”

Elizabeth bit down on her lower lip as she devastatingly watched Desiderio throw his trench coat on, fixing the collar to his liking. Blinking her cerulean eyes one final time as he cracked the door open slightly, Elizabeth waved a final good-bye to her husband, eyes still misty from her once falling tears.

“Farewell, Desi,” she whispered to him before he sneered, snatching his pirating hat and placing it upon his head with a wink.

“My dear,” he scorned, giving the brim a swift flick, “I won’t be Desi until I return home.”

Elizabeth only stared at him for a moment or two before he stepped through the doorway, snow beginning to fall lightly upon the doorstep, golden brown eyes glinting through the evening’s shadows.

“From now until I arrive back home, the name’s Spectre,” he beamed before vanishing into the evening towards the docks, Elizabeth hurrying after him, longing to be able to stop him from making this final voyage, but she was too late.

Standing alone upon her doorstep, clouds of condensation wisping with each of her breaths, Elizabeth felt her icy tears begin to glide down her pale rosy cheeks as the figure of her husband vanished upon his ship. Breathing deeply as she once more rest her hand tenderly upon her abdomen, she whispered softly as yet another tear descended down her face.

“Please be safe…”

The snow began to fall harder as the ship cast off from the docks, sails wafting in the evening’s breeze, snowflakes beating against them. As the wind picked up and the snow grew heavier yet, Desiderio stood at the bow of his vessel, eyes glistening through the obscurity of the night. Sighing heavily, he lowered the brim of his hat, shielding the stray tears that found their way down his face. Hastily brushing them away, he raised his hat yet again, staring out at the endless amount of sea before him, snow whipping against his cheeks.

“Wait for me, Elizabeth… for this is my final venture out before we stay together as a true couple forever. When I return home, we shall have the life we were always meant to have… I promise…”

The snow and wind picked up at that point, causing Desiderio to raise his head to the heavens, blinking back the mist in his eyes.

“…I promise…”
:iconstar-blazer:
Opening chapter to my new novel, Of Sins and Sailors: The Songstress of Temptation. It is the second book in a five part series. This is the original, uncut, text before it was printed. Just submitting for a sneak peek for those of you who had wanted to read it^^ Let me know what you think!



Of Sins and Sailors © Dorian J. Harper 2008-2009
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:icontariencole:
Mood: Joy *TarienCole Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Very good. I'm not sure if it's not a little mature for your intended audience. But very well written.
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:iconstar-blazer:
=star-blazer Oct 25, 2010  Professional Writer
Thank you very much! :love:
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:icontariencole:
*TarienCole Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
my pleasure. :)
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:iconfiende-fatale:
Interesting. Where are you getting this published? And what is cerulean? Blue? And how is it pronounced?

Hmmmm...
To be perfectly honest, I didn't quite get it. The setting, the scene, the aesthetic are all very good: I love the harsh winter, the fact that it is set so far in the past gives it an aura of fantasy, and I can picture all the wooden weather-beaten dwellings very clearly, as well as the room in which the argument takes place. However--and I know you have said this is only a draft, so I must not be too critical on this matter--there is something, which I can't quite put my finger on, that is lacking in your prose. I can't really say more than that, and I know that alone is useless, but something is just not quite right. There is a fundamental flaw in your writing. Your phrases and words just aren't quite chosen carefully enough. (Plus, there are some grammatical errors, but I shall address those at the end.)

Now, onto the drama...
The argument, to me, is slightly melodramatic in places, a bit too much like something I might expect to see on a soap opera for my liking. Firstly, I think you may need to reconsider some of the characters' movements, because at times they seem unnatural and are quite difficult to imagine; and, secondly, their speech is far too modern and informal, so that the whole fantastical world which you create so beautifully in the opening paragraphs is oblterated by words like "rent" and "Desi" (the latter actually made me giggle a little). On top of that, the whole exchange goes on much longer than is necessary: a great deal is said but very little is said, if you understand what I mean. In fact, if one reads only the dialogue, it sounds very much like a list of household cliches--"I won't lie to you", "I promise", "I wish I had more time", "I don't want to lose you"--and so I, personally, found it all rather hard to take seriously. Yes, there is definitely something missing from the characters. They need more idiosyncrasies if they are to have true depth. All I get from what I've read so far is that he is a pirate and she doesn't like it; there is hardly much that is novel about that kind of situation.

But, of course, that all said, I have not read the whole thing, so I may be making some dreadful mistakes in my criticisms here. Please do forgive me if that is the case. From all the other comments I've read, it seems to be an excellent book.

Now, as promised, I shall talk about the grammatical errors--and I know it always seems so pompous when someone corrects another's grammar, but I have a ...condition which renders the practice irresistible.

1. "...it was when they agreed to be married that he swore to never return to the seas..."

TO NEVER RETURN is a split infinitive. Now, I know most people laugh in the faces of people who correct split infinitives, regarding them as sad old traditionalist who really ought to find something better to do, but I think, since this novel is set in the sixteenth century, it is especially important for you not to split your infinitives. So, it ought to read...

"...it was when they agreed to be married that he swore never to return to the seas..."

2."Elizabeth felt her lower lip begin to quiver as the fingertips of her husband brushed her long strands of brunette hair from her eyes, a few tears beginning to form within the corners of them."

I'm not exactly sure what the name is for this one is. (I think it might be a dangling participle?) But, nevertheless, you make this kind of mistake quite often, so I thought I ought to point it out. The "...a few tears beginning..." section is completely ungrammatical. I can't explain why, but do you see how that is the case? Here are some alternatives:

"Elizabeth felt her lower lip begin to quiver as the fingertips of her husband brushed her long strands of brunette hair from her eyes; a few tears began to form within the corners of them."

"Elizabeth felt her lower lip begin to quiver as the fingertips of her husband brushed her long strands of brunette hair from her eyes, in whose corners a few tears began to form."

"Elizabeth felt her lower lip begin to quiver as the fingertips of her husband brushed her long strands of brunette hair from her eyes, in the corners of which a few tears began to form."

Never underestimate the importance of good grammar!

Sorry for going on for so long. I hope I haven't offended you.

Matt.
x
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:iconstar-blazer:
=star-blazer Aug 1, 2009  Professional Writer
Oh, yes! ^^;
And cerulean is a shade of blue too-- quite well known, I'm surprised you haven't heard of it actually :O
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:iconfiende-fatale:
I thought I had; I just had a mind blank. Is that seh-ruh-LEE-uhn?
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:iconstar-blazer:
=star-blazer Aug 2, 2009  Professional Writer
Yes.
Lol.
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:iconstar-blazer:
=star-blazer Aug 1, 2009  Professional Writer
Same company as the first novel-- it's fine, you probably wouldn't understand it if you haven't read the first the novel ^^; This is still unedited-- the quick preview version of it-- the first draft, so it is full of many mistakes. However, my editors and I have it all fixed up now and it's coming off the press in about a month or so.

It's also a romance type novel, so the "soap opera-ness" is meant to be in the writing. Heh. But that's only for the beginning. Like I said, it was the very first original lay-out-- so it's nothing like the edited version coming out next month. Like I said, from reading what you said-- all of it would make so much more sense if you had read the first novel in the series. This was mainly put up for those who had read the first one and wanted a sneak peek at what was going to happen in the rough draft of the second.

Hahaha. No, it's fine. I'm not offended. Like I said, none of this was edited and it was manily thoughts. This is entirely re-written and fixed up perfect for printing now. Heh. But, thank you for your thoughts, anyway^^
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:icongref313:
Hey I just went to Barcelona!
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:iconstar-blazer:
=star-blazer Jul 9, 2009  Professional Writer
Awesome!!!
Beautiful, isn't it??
I loved it there :D :heart:
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